The Last Frontier
On Wednesday night, Bro. Sanders preached a message that was so deep, it left me searching the very depths of my heart. He spoke about being abused as a five-year-old child and how that experience opened up a door for spiritual darkness to enter in. The entire church was silent as he described his childhood through adulthood, even into his ministry as a pastor. He would preach and minister to the congregation, then return home, only to find "rats" creeping back into his psyche. God would seemingly deliver him, and then those nasty rats kept coming back. He said God showed him that he had to go back to the beginning of when that door of spiritual darkness opened, in order to begin to deal with that pain. He said it was the most difficult thing he had ever done, but knew he had to do this, otherwise, he wouldn't progress further, much less be healed and delivered. He encouraged us all to go back to the beginning of when it was for us - when we allowed, or was thrust upon us, the opening door of spiritual darkness that entered into our lives.
As he spoke, I instantly knew the day that door to my soul was opened. Even though it was in 1974, I remember thinking as I was driving down the highway, that flood gate of sorts was opening up for me, but certainly not the kind I was thinking. I was elated - thinking this was all meant to be, but how mistaken I was at the time. And although I've made terrible and countless judgment calls and decisions, this became the biggest mistake of my life. It opened the door for pure evil to enter in to my mostly innocent life. I would never be the same afterward.
I put my head in my hands and wailed like I haven't in many years. I couldn't stop and I couldn't breathe through my nose, I was crying so hard. I could hear wailing and crying from different parts of the congregation, as Bro. Sanders prayed and asked God to send healing to the different areas of the room. All I could do was cry - I couldn't even speak. It was like a flood, flowing out from my soul that had been pushed down so much and for so long, that it came up exploding. I believed that I had forgiven the perpetrator who stole my youth; however, the pain and hurt was obviously still there. Forgiveness is absolutely essential - but I never received healing and deliverance from all those years of abuse. They are two different things, as I'm finding out now. And God is bringing all of this up to the surface, in order for me to allow Him to heal me. I can't even express how difficult this is. Oh, how this hurts - to my very soul. Much of it is the uncomfortable past of words that seared and broke my heart. Words that caused me to believe a lie. Words, that my mother used to tell me could never hurt me. The “sticks and stones” rhyme is tragically false. Words CAN and DO hurt - way more than breaking bones. Bones will eventually heal; words stay with you a lifetime.
As he spoke, I instantly knew the day that door to my soul was opened. Even though it was in 1974, I remember thinking as I was driving down the highway, that flood gate of sorts was opening up for me, but certainly not the kind I was thinking. I was elated - thinking this was all meant to be, but how mistaken I was at the time. And although I've made terrible and countless judgment calls and decisions, this became the biggest mistake of my life. It opened the door for pure evil to enter in to my mostly innocent life. I would never be the same afterward.
I put my head in my hands and wailed like I haven't in many years. I couldn't stop and I couldn't breathe through my nose, I was crying so hard. I could hear wailing and crying from different parts of the congregation, as Bro. Sanders prayed and asked God to send healing to the different areas of the room. All I could do was cry - I couldn't even speak. It was like a flood, flowing out from my soul that had been pushed down so much and for so long, that it came up exploding. I believed that I had forgiven the perpetrator who stole my youth; however, the pain and hurt was obviously still there. Forgiveness is absolutely essential - but I never received healing and deliverance from all those years of abuse. They are two different things, as I'm finding out now. And God is bringing all of this up to the surface, in order for me to allow Him to heal me. I can't even express how difficult this is. Oh, how this hurts - to my very soul. Much of it is the uncomfortable past of words that seared and broke my heart. Words that caused me to believe a lie. Words, that my mother used to tell me could never hurt me. The “sticks and stones” rhyme is tragically false. Words CAN and DO hurt - way more than breaking bones. Bones will eventually heal; words stay with you a lifetime.
As I drove home, I told God I have no clue how to let Him heal me. I don’t know how that works. I only know that’s what He wants to do in me right now. And to be honest, it’s a scary thing; but it’s even scarier to hold on to this pain. I want to get rid of it and feel whole again. It serves no purpose, except to prevent me from accomplishing my full potential in Him. And I sincerely desire to be everything I can and am supposed to be, in Christ...
“For He bruises, but He binds up; He wounds, but His hands make whole.”
Job 5:18 NKJV
“He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds.”
Psalms 147:3 NKJV
“Then your light shall break forth like the morning, Your healing shall spring forth speedily, And your righteousness shall go before you; The glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard.”
Isaiah 58:8 NKJV
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